Deflecting Criticism with Grace

Let’s talk about deflecting criticism with grace, because we've all felt this pressure from other people before, whether it's other family members.

It could be even other people in your church. It could be your neighbors. It could be anybody that you feel some kind of pressure from their opinions. So if you've ever been questioned for any of your life decisions, no matter what they have to do with…work, faith, parenting, or whatever..

I've always felt criticism for a lot of my decisions.

I always feel like people are judging me…and they are. And I let it get to me.

One of the ways that I continue to feel this is in the decision to homeschool my kids. It's a decision that my husband and I came to when COVID first hit. Ever since then, we've been asking the kids every year if they want to go back to public school and they always say no. They like being homeschooled. We have enjoyed it, too. It has worked well for our family.

But I will tell you that whenever somebody hears for the first time that I homeschool my kids, I get one of a couple of different reactions. One is, “my God, I can't believe you do that. More power to you. I would love to, but I can't do that for my own kids.” I've also heard, “…mmm…that's nice.”

You know when people say things like that, that they are judging. They are judging you deep and hard and it's not pretty.

What I have come to realize is that there's a lot of reasons for why people criticize.

But the reason that it bothers you and me is because it feels like an attack on your true identity.

In my case of homeschooling, that just feels aligned for me. I was never really happy with the kids going off to public school. COVID was a blessing in that way in that we were given the opportunity to try homeschooling and see how it went. It works for our family. But whenever anybody like raises an eyebrow and gives me one of the comments above, it does feel like they're attacking the root of who I am.

So think about that for a minute. The last time somebody criticized you for something and you really felt hurt by it. Did it come down to feeling like an attack on you and who you are as a person?

Maybe it was a decision that you like lost sleep over, did a lot of thinking over, and a lot of going back and forth over. Then you finally came to a decision that worked well for you and you were 100% comfortable with, and now you're being criticized over it.

So when people are criticizing what feels like your whole identity, you need to remember that who you are as a person, your true identity is your gift to the world. And you only get one life to live.

And if somebody is criticizing you for not living it, how you were designed to live it, then how miserable of an existence is that?

And if we want to take a biblical turn for a second, if you look at Galatians 1:10, it says, “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings or God?”

If this criticism is bothering us that badly, then we're allowing other humans to guide how we feel about our lives based on their approval—not on how God sees us and how God designed us to be. If we look again into the Bible, Jesus faced criticism at every turn while living according to his true God-given identity and purpose.

Most early Christians, for that matter, were not only criticized but persecuted for living according to their true identity.

What that means is that if you are living and pleasing God, sometimes that's going to mean that you're going to disappoint other people.

Now these other people, when they're throwing these criticisms at you, they're doing it for a handful of reasons.

The first is they, they really just don't understand. A lot of times they're criticizing because they don't understand either what you're talking about. They don't have enough information. A lot of times they just don't get it. Sometimes after they get more information, sometimes they might still criticize, but criticizing because they don't understand is no longer the problem.

Second, people fear what they don't understand. So if you're doing something that seems a little countercultural or against the status quo, then people can get a little nervous about that. Not only do they fear what they don't understand, but they also fear change.

And so when they criticize you, they're trying to control the situation so that they can feel better about themselves.

Lastly, people criticize because they just feel challenged. They feel like what you're doing might be exactly against what they're doing. Maybe they feel like you're putting it in their face. Maybe they're also a little bit jealous that you're doing what you feel is right. And they may not feel like they have the courage to take a similar step in their own life.

Most of the time, people are not criticizing you because of you. They're criticizing you because of them and their fear and their lack of understanding and their fear of change.

When people come at us with these different criticisms, it's definitely hard. It's a challenge. This is when we need to truly feel through our feelings and our emotions, but then stand firm in what you believe in, in what your true identity is.

That can be hard too.

The best case scenario will be to try to not attack the person and create a whole big argument about it. Instead, we want to try to gracefully and kindly deflect their criticism.

Keeping in mind that people are criticizing because of them and not because of you, we always want to respond to them with love and understanding. But again, you still need to maintain your own boundaries.

Before you even get into that, you need to be comfortable in your own mindset and remember that their opinions are not your assignment, they're just their opinions—that's all they are. Remember, you can disagree with somebody with grace without being nasty about it.

Here's the formula for how you can respond to people when they throw criticism your way.

So after you've drawn in your deep breath to get past whatever emotion might be coming up inside of you, you want to acknowledge their thoughts. Then you'll briefly state your stance and hold your ground so that they know that this is not something that is not open for discussion, at least not from the perspective of them telling you what you should think and then expect you to change because they told you so.

Discussions are always good. Communication is always good.

How does this look in practice? Let’s look at this example: somebody is telling you how much they don't like how you are parenting your kids. They feel you're giving them too much screen time. That you’re not making them play on 3 sports teams.

Then, you can come back to them and say, “Thank you for sharing your thoughts, but I've prayed over this and I feel peace with my decision.”

Or you might come back and say, “This decision wasn't easy, but I know it's right for me, and right for our family.”

Or, “We all parent differently and I trust you're doing what's best for your home and I'm doing the same.”

In a quote from The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo says, “I am more than I have shown you and more than you are willing to see. Let's work our love and know each other more fully.” This is an invitation to discuss differences, and that everything that you stand for is not easily seen on the surface.

Ii shows that we are acknowledging them with love, letting them know that there's more under the surface than this person is choosing to see. It's opening the door for communication if the person so chooses.

And I think that that is where the best discussion would come in.

If their criticism is still really bothering you, ask yourself these questions:

Is it just their opinion or is this really something that I need to think about?

Am I seeking God's approval or am I seeking another human's approval?

Is this criticism revealing anything that I need to take to prayer?

And what truth do I need to speak over myself today?

These questions will help to bring it back around to be sure that you are totally aligned with yourself and your true identity.

To summarize, when we're looking at other people and they criticize, they're criticizing because of something inside them. It's rarely because of you. The criticism is coming from a place that the other person needs to work on. In order to make sure that you're staying in alignment, double check in with yourself and make sure that there's nothing that you may need to take to prior on your own.

When we respond, need to acknowledge their opinion. We need to state our opinion and hold our ground kindly.

So my challenge to you for today would be, what is a quick phrase or response? Maybe there's a situation that's come up recently where somebody has criticized you for something, and the situation is long past. But if you were in that situation again, maybe there is something you can think about. What kind of phrase could I use next time if this were to come up again?